Session 5 - Phil & Karen Newton Q&A

00:00

How would you encourage, especially single brothers and sisters, to think about dating apps? So it's becoming increasingly just kind of common way in our digital age to meet people. Good, bad, neutral wisdom that you would give to those who are desiring to be married and then using dating apps. Yeah. I have never looked on a dating app. Have you ever? I'm glad. Yeah, you're glad. Okay, all right. So.

00:28

There was no such thing growing up with us. We had several folks at Southwoods that met on, I guess they were an app, a website or something like that, that met, but I think, boy, you had to be judicious. I don't know, what do you think of that? I probably know a little bit more about it. I think you know more about it. You do because I've talked to ladies that have used it.

00:57

I mean, you have to be careful, obviously, and I don't really know that much about it. I just know I've seen some marriages that have been a result of they found each other on a dating app, and it's a good thing, and they're happily married and so forth. It seems to be something that's, you know, it's just the way people meet that's a little more normal that wasn't around when we were dating. Having said that, I mean...

01:25

You have to be pretty smart about it. And I don't know, there's a lot of variety of dating apps, apparently. And I think probably some are better than others maybe, but I don't know what that is. So, has anybody ever met on the dating app in here? Did any of you all meet? You don't have? Well, I shouldn't ask that. I shouldn't ask that. Okay. There we go. There you go. So, I would never say, hey, against it, because I know too many people. It's just.

01:53

That's the way they met and I think it's wonderful. Probably a lot of the dynamics have changed over the years with, I mean, where we were meeting and where people our age now tended to get married a little younger than folks nowadays. And so there's probably a lot more reliance on those. And, you know.

02:21

It's wonderful if you meet folks at church and you end up getting married. Praise God. Or, you know, you just, you need to be careful where you meet them. You meet somebody in shady places, you may have a shady marriage, you know. I don't know. So, you know, if those maps, if those apps are shady, then, you know, I think you just really have to have a lot of discernment. And I would say if you're, if you're doing that, have some accountability with.

02:49

some brothers and sisters in the church to help you navigate on that. And I would not do that without some accountability. And I don't think you have to be ashamed. Hey, I'm looking on a dating app because I can't find anyone. Okay, but have some accountability.

03:12

Hello? Yes. Hello. Did you guys have different parenting styles, maybe upbringings, views on discipline? Like, did you find yourself united at every turn, or were you bringing some different styles? And if so, how did you work to stay united in front of your kids and not let that be a wedge in your marriage? Yeah, I would say we probably had some differences. My dad was really stern.

03:42

He just wasn't one to pamper you, do anything like that. And he was pretty quick to correct and strongly correct. And I'm thankful for it. I think the Lord used that in my life. I think my brother and I needed that. But I think sometimes he was too strong in the way he corrected. So I had to be mollified in that because that was the model that I had.

04:11

And I think your folks corrected, but probably did it in a little bit better way, maybe. I don't know. I didn't think you were that.

04:25

Sometimes I thought, well, I was a lot more of a scaredy cat type mother. Like, if you took the kids somewhere, you know, I wanted to make sure that you were going to watch them really well and not let them do crazy things. So, anybody identify with that? And I might let them do crazy things just a little bit, but reasonable.

04:53

oh you're going to get hurt, you know, and afraid for them to do certain things. You were not like that. So that's the way I, I don't know, that's not really discipline though, I don't guess it's just. Well, it is parenting style though. It's a parenting style. I'm thinking of our differences on that. I think one of the main things we didn't, if we disagreed, we're going to disagree in private and the kids, the kids would always see a united front with us on that. And, and sometimes we would talk through in.

05:22

she would help me and I would help her. I think that's a fair statement in, okay, how do we deal with this personality in one kid? I mean, much of our kids have really strong personalities in, that's not a sure way of saying, most of them were really stubborn. And so how do you deal with their stubbornness in and do it in different ways? And we leaned into each other's wisdom and then

05:52

We prayed together about these things. So I don't know that we sat down at the beginning of marriage or beginning of when she was pregnant with our first and saying, okay, how are we gonna do all this? I think we just did it. And then if something came out, maybe it was, hey, maybe that's a little too firm or I think that's a little bit too soft. I think we need to go otherwise. And then we would work through on that. And.

06:19

I don't remember us getting into arguments from parents. I don't think we were that far apart with the way. I don't remember a lot of struggles over that. I would suggest read somebody like, yeah, okay, got it. Read someone like Ted Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, and spin around for years and years.

06:48

But the overall picture, he's not giving you a checklist. He's, he's dealing really dealing with the parents attitude of heart more so than the child's in parenting. Read through something like that. The ones that are boxing everything into a checklist, put them aside. I mean, they may have some good stuff, but the overarching thing is affecting your attitude to think if I'm a legalist here, I'm going to get.

07:15

get the end result I want out of my kids. Yeah.

07:28

talking until maybe here it is. So we, so you've been emphasizing a lot about the word, prioritizing your walk with Christ. And so I wanted to ask Karen, a little bit more of a specific question in regards to what you were mentioning yesterday. I mean, five kids at home, you know, there's a lot going on there. And so I was just wondering if you could get really practical, I think a lot of us are in that season of babies, toddlers.

07:56

and wanting to prioritize our time in the word. Could you just share, like, how did you, you know, how did you do that with being at home? I don't know what your community looked like back then, but could you just like take yourself back there even and share some of that? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I don't think I did a very good job of it, to be perfectly honest. But one thing that I did do that I would not do as much now.

08:25

is I had my devotions a lot of times at night. That's just the way it worked out for me. You always hear it starts your morning with your devotions. It didn't work so hot for me. I'm not by nature just a really great morning person. And we stretch our kids out. There's 15 years difference between our oldest and youngest. And so I had little people for a long time. And so I did much better if I did mine at night.

08:56

I wouldn't do that now. I prefer the morning and I see the benefit of it and so forth, but that's, you know, I did what I could do sort of, I guess, you know, after getting up in the night a lot and that type thing. So don't, I don't think you should go on a guilt trip, you know, with babies and, you know, as long as your desire is there, you know, if you have a desire and you have to do it in a little unconventional way, I think that's perfectly fine. And,

09:26

And the day will come where you'll have your mornings to yourself and you can do it the way you want to and it is a nice beautiful thing. But it just, and so sometimes I would be on a guilt trip about that and I got over that really and truly. And I had a lot of meaningful, you know, time at night and would read, you know, not only my, you know, the scripture or whatever, but books and biographies and things like that, you know. And...

09:55

So it worked.

10:05

Going, I'm loud. Oh, okay. I'm gonna ask this as broadly as possible. How would you lay a gospel foundation and offer your kids stability in maybe a home life that is not stable or that is broken? Yeah, yeah. I think that's where you set that example. You be the teacher because you're gonna be the primary teacher.

10:33

You keep, and I think it's good as, as their little minds develop, it's good to talk about the brokenness of sin and have that affects us. It is good to talk about the kindness and mercy of the Lord that shows up. Even when everything is not going well. Um, do you, I mean, I've been reading an old biography on John Newton and, uh, written by Josiah Bull. So it was written in the.

11:02

1800s and John Newton's mother was a faithful Christian. His dad wasn't and his mother had this massive impact on him later as a, you know, he's, he's on a slave ship and he ends up getting converted because of the influence that his mother had. And so I think that's where you, you just cry out to the Lord, Lord.

11:30

You know where I am, you know the weakness, you know what I'm going through. Will you multiply the effort that you're giving me through your grace? Will you multiply that in my kids? And, and then I think the reinforcement that you see with members of the body of Christ is, is supplementing what you're doing. The Godly example you give is going to be, I mean, that's gold. It's absolute gold.

12:00

And that, that sticks in a kid's mind as much as anything.

12:10

How did y'all know?

12:13

I'll let you go first. That's a good question.

12:21

Well, we, no, you go first. You go first. Well, all right. I would say junior in college when we met, she was a senior in college. And, you know, I'll tell you a little bit about it last night. I'm, I, there was a girl I took to church. I mean, we weren't really dating. I took her to church a couple of times and maybe we got pizza once. And there have been other girls that I, that dated, but you know, there, there was not that, that heart. I'm, I want to spend my life with her.

12:51

And when we met, there was this change in our affections, to I want to spend my life with her. And it didn't take long after we met till we, that's what started happening. So it was reinforced when she graduated, moved back to her town, a Biola Bachelor, where I'm serving on staff. And so we...

13:21

We had dinner together with her cousin that introduced us pretty much every night, or I ate at her house. And you stayed until like two o'clock in the morning. Yeah, we did stay up pretty late. But finally the day came where I let David, her cousin, know three is a crowd. You're gonna have to get out of this. And I think, I mean, we were engaged within

13:50

six weeks after that. Yeah, we moved fast. We met in March. We had our first date July 4th. We went canoeing. And you asked me to marry you off as first. Yeah. And we got married in December. So we moved fast, obviously. And we didn't have any cold feet. No cold feet. And we just went forward. Yeah.

14:20

It was, my kids were a little bit embarrassed about it over the years. They thought, mom, dad, don't tell people that story. That is so, I think they're okay with it now, you know. But when they were teenagers and stuff, they were like, don't tell that. But anyway, we moved fast and really with our kids, we told our kids, if you find someone that you think, you know, you want to marry, they want to marry you, and they,

14:48

They love the Lord and they're Christians. And we'll give you blessings on that. You don't have to have a year engagement or anything like that. I don't think that's, I'm a big believer. If you know what you want and what the Lord seems to be moving you toward, go ahead, don't waste any more time, go for it. Yeah, my niece just got engaged and she's,

15:17

I had a conversation with her, I don't know, back maybe two months ago, three months ago. She was engaged maybe a month now. So it was probably about three months ago and she, she really loves the work. We got a good relationship. And, and I said, look, you need to marry that boy. You need to quit. You, you, you're afraid you're going to miss out on something. You're afraid something's not going to go right. Go ahead and get married.

15:45

You, you love him. You're crazy about him. He's crazy about you. What are you waiting on? So, man, she moved to marriage up. It's coming fast. So she's getting married in December. Uh, and, uh, I mean, everything's going fast on that. Uh, I mean, I think if you, if you're willing to commit yourself and, uh, to, to that other person and you're willing to spend your life with them, don't let grass grow under your feet.

16:15

Go ahead, go ahead and get engaged. I mean, yeah, talk to brothers and sisters, that's fine. You have some accountability in that. Am I being wise in this? That's okay. But move forward.

16:35

Yes. In seasons of your marriage where you've been struggling, be it X, Y, or Z, at what point have you guys reached out to help? And then who did you guys reach out to for help and counsel? Usually, we've worked through things through word and prayer. I mean, usually, we've had a few things along the way where

17:04

You know, I get a terminal illness. I need a few people speaking into my life. And so, you know, there were some long time friends that have known us, some of my pastor brothers, and you know, some of the folks at church. Some other things, there have been those that knew us really well that we would talk to and seek counsel. We've even...

17:33

We've been taught with some of our kids about some decisions. I mean, you know, the decision about retiring from pastoring and doing the work with the Pillar Network, one of our kids in particular was incredibly helpful and was very discerning. But usually it was a very tight, tight group of people that knew us well. But with most things, I would say most things

18:02

We talk through, we try to work it out, and then maybe there's somebody that says, hey, we're dealing with this. How do we process this? I'm not sure I quite understood the question exactly. Can you rephrase it? So say you're disagreeing about something or you're

18:31

lacking intimacy for a time period or, you know, your husband is maybe not living with you in an understanding way or, you know, there's something going on in your marriage and you're working on it together. But at what point are you like, hey, we need help here. We need to let so and so in. Is it my girlfriend? Is it my pastor? Is it, you know, my parents? Like, who is it?

18:57

And at what point are you like, okay, now we're there where we need help? Is it the very beginning? Is it after a couple weeks? I don't know if you put time on it. Are you asking what we did or are you asking in general what we advise? Both, yeah, what you guys would counsel us and how to think about it. Okay, by God's grace, we have been able to work out, I think, pretty much everything with each other. I mean.

19:25

We never, did we ever go to this town? I mean in terms of our relationship, by God's grace, only. Only His grace. Only, only. We've been there to work things out. That didn't mean that we didn't have some toughness. We had to really work through, have conversations, and it wasn't something that was an instantaneous movement, but it was the kind of thing that we had to.

19:55

We had to be willing to listen. We had to get over, maybe there was anger or bitterness over something. We had to get over that and whatever time that took and work through, but I don't remember us being at a still mate where we could not get past. Had that been the case, we would have definitely gone to a brother or maybe even a sister that we loved and respected.

20:25

I know then Karen mentioned last night there was a Bible teacher that she had 30 years ago that really impacted her and I think she would have had a lot of freedom to talk with her. There were some mentors in my life and I would have had freedom to talk with them on that. And I think there's different seasons in marriage where I think having teenagers is probably,

20:54

We had conversations about how to handle a lot of things that came up with that. There was probably a little more. We had conversations with my mom's son on that when the kids were teenagers. Karen's mom died when she was 54. So, unfortunately, we didn't have her. Her mom was 54. So, we didn't have her around. But we talked to...

21:23

Mama changed some, and some of those things in, you know, when we're, we're getting into that stage. And then we've talked to other folks in the body that we had respect for. I think it, I think it depends on where you are. It, if there was a stalemate, get some help. Yeah. That, that to me would be the standard. If there's a stalemate or there's something that's, that's been crushing, get some help in, and that's where I'd say generally.

21:53

Go to some people that have some either you really admire their spiritual life. I probably wouldn't, I'm trying to go to people older generally because of life experience, because sometimes with peers, they go like, Oh no, the earth is, is, is caving in on you. And maybe somebody that's older go, no, you'll walk through this and here's what it's going to take because there are things now that don't that.

22:21

Maybe we see younger people just falling apart on work, kind of going, what's the big deal? It is only because of life experience. So I would say utilize those with life experience that can.

22:38

And if you weren't, if you're not able to make a breakthrough and you feel like the other, you know, like if you, I didn't feel like you had listened or you didn't feel like I'd listened, we would have definitely, you know, but. Gone to the elders and talk with them. But thankfully, you know, we developed the pattern of communication so nothing got so broad or big that we didn't, we couldn't deal with it.

23:07

We try not to procrastinate on issues. And that, and I think that's absolutely critical. Don't bottle things up. Go ahead and deal with them, whether they're smaller, rather than getting bigger.

23:21

Will you guys give it up for Phyllis and Karen? Yeah.

Session 4 - Proverbs 24:3-4

00:00

And it is established by understanding, by knowledge, the rooms are filled with every precious and beautiful treasure. Now, as I have observed marriage and families over the years, it leads me asking some questions along the way. Like, does this couple enjoy each other? Do they have joy in their marriage? Uh, or is this couple frustrated with each other as their expressions are betraying them?

00:30

What is their interaction with each other? What, what does it indicate? Does it indicate they're lovingly devoted to each other or they're tolerating each other or they're just kind of roommates and that's about it. Uh, while acknowledging the challenges that come with any family, do these parents delight in parenting?

00:58

Do they give the impression that parenting is instead just drudgery, something there they loathe? Uh, do the kids show a healthy respect for their parents or do the kids appear to disdain their parents? Do the kids give evidence of being greatly loved by their parents and do the kids seem well taught, even if they're not always following what they've been taught that.

01:27

That happens, but you can see through the veneer on that. Do the kids instead seem to live by manipulation, which is evident by the way they try to manipulate all of their friends. Do the kids seem to be under a cloud fearful that they might step out of line and meet with parental wrath? Do the parents show Liberty in Christ or do they bear evidence of being legalist?

01:57

so that grace is not, not prominent in, in their parenting. The, did the kids come across as young legalists who have difficulty understanding grace? I remember talking with a, a couple that had that, I mean, they just act like parenting with just an absolute, just so hard and so, so difficult. And they had a eight year old and

02:26

They had one child, a really good income, a lot of flexibility in their schedule. The child was bright, very intelligent, easy to talk with. And yet those parents lived with the fear that they would do something wrong in parenting. They brought the drudgery on themselves. It wasn't because of this child. They were...

02:55

They were anxious that they would do something wrong in parenting and consequently their child would do some things wrong. And so they were putting their child in a mental straight jacket to follow their rules and, and this child seemed to be so rigid. And I looked at other eight year olds, nine year olds, and just how loose and fun they were. And, and, and this child was just so rigid. It told me a whole lot more about the parents and it did about the child. It's the parents.

03:25

we're lacking in understanding the gospel and the beauty in marriage that should spill over into their child raising skills. You see marriage and parenting go together. Good marriages generally manifest healthy parenting practices. That doesn't mean that every kid's gonna turn out well. They have their own sinful natures. And these parents, as,

03:54

fallen people are learning to depend on the Lord flawed, but by the grace of God, parents are being sanctified in their thoughts and the words and attitudes and decisions as they parent. And again, that doesn't mean that children will always make good decisions or follow Christ or show good character. We, we need to understand that it is the grace of God.

04:23

Holy, if our kids follow Christ, it is the grace of God. And we need to realize that a child has that sinful nature just like we do. And with that fallen DNA, the child is inevitably leaning in the direction of rebellion and anarchy. And it's only the grace of God that restrains them in their behavior.

04:49

And certainly the grace of God that brings him to that disposition where they have an affection for Christ and they begin to manifest the character of Christ. Meanwhile, God has established parents as the front line for bringing children up in the fear and instruction of the Lord so that it is through the gospel in the work of the spirit that those children might follow Christ. And so.

05:19

We are as parents are trainers and examples for our children, how they respond. We cannot control. And I think a lot of times parents live under, I mean, good parents live under guilt because your parents don't, because your kids don't respond. You cannot control your kids response. If you do try to control it, then you're probably going to create a lot of legalism.

05:48

and you're gonna be hard to live with. But we can control how we respond to our children as we teach them and nurture them and love them and disciple them and discipline them and set an example for them. We can control how we are responding to them. Changing a child's heart is only gonna be done by Christ.

06:18

How do we deal with this weakness and inability on our part to change a heart that's been unrebellion? I mean, if you've parented for very long, you start seeing that. I mean, sometimes you see it when the child can't even talk. And you're seeing something of that rebellion built in their hearts. And you're looking in a mirror and you're going, that's me.

06:46

You know, apart from Christ that this me, so how do we, how do we deal with that? Well, here are some options of how people deal with it. Uh, one, we can develop our own set of manipulative techniques that squeeze the children into what we think they ought to be. And, you know, we point our finger at parents that do that, but you know, if you've had kids, you understand sometimes you'll do anything to get

07:15

operate, you know, uh, second thing we can live with frustration that our children are not what we want them to be. And therefore we spend our time blaming our spouse for his or her failures and complaining about the children. It's still not solving anything. A third way we can find a plan that someone guarantees to be successful. You do this, you follow this list. Then you're

07:45

Everything's going to be fine. And so we take that plan and we press hard, even when the kids recoil. And in the end, our children become legalists and we become apologists for that legalistic practice. I remember having numerous conversations with couples that followed this kind of plan and they, they latched on to the teaching of a well-known figure or at least was a number of years ago.

08:12

who was eventually exposed for some moral issues. And even after that exposure, they still held on to these legalistic life sapping principles that this man espouse, they would defend that teaching. Even when their children were emotionally and mentally strangled. Or four thing we can give up, throw in the towel, just let things happen. I don't care. I've had enough.

08:44

Or, and this is what I'm encouraging, we can humbly seek the Lord. We can learn to depend upon the gospel to bear good fruit in our marriage and in our parenting. And while learning to apply the teaching of God's word in unique ways for each child, praying and being an example, we trust the Lord.

09:13

work in our children. We rely upon the grace of God. We learn to live in God's providence with those children. Now cookie cutter outlines for ten ways to a happy home may offer a temporary respite in parenting. They attempt to force a child's unique personalities and God designed lives into someone else's idea

09:42

of what a Christian home should look like. And so usually out of this legalistic practice of stuffing round pegs in the square holds parents get frustrated and they give up and they toss it aside. But some don't, don't toss it aside. They hang on to it. But the problem is they started in the wrong place. It's not that all of those things that these lists say are wrong. Some of them, some of them maybe are good. Uh, but

10:12

It's rather they failed to enjoy the unique way that the Lord has designed them as parents and designed their children that this is where we're going to end up so that those children learned to image God in his creativity and glory in the home. And this is where this, this two verses, uh, in Proverbs is so helpful. It's not a 10 step program. It's not some black and white answer to every. Uh,

10:41

A question that we have is not a list of dos and don'ts. It's just tightly framed outline for how we are to study, think, apply, and rest in the Lord is we build our homes. And so, you know, if you're building a house, you got to have the right kind of materials to start with. Chevy's our builder. Uh, you wouldn't, uh, order, uh, a truckload of Play-Doh and Tinker toys. If you're going to build a house, that's not going to work.

11:11

It's not going to latch. You got to have the right kind of materials. It takes the right kind of materials to build a home. So that's where this passage I found to be so helpful in here's, here's our thesis. The Lord gives gospel oriented materials to build our homes for his glory and our joy, the Lord gives gospel oriented materials to build our homes for his glory. And our joy.

11:39

And he identifies him in three ways, wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. What do you need to build your home? Wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. And as you do that, you construct the home and you fill its rooms with everything that's needed to be a joyous home. So what, what are these building materials? Well, Solomon points us to, to these materials and at first they, they may appear somewhat odd. But.

12:09

He sees this as the essential starting point, wisdom, understanding and knowledge. They're essential, but they may appear somewhat abstract. So let, let me give you three other words that encompass their intention for wisdom. We have the word revelation because wisdom is pointing to the revelation of God in its word, centering in the gospel of Jesus Christ wisdom is

12:36

The revelation of God in his word centering in the gospel of Jesus Christ, understanding the word will give is application application because understanding refers to the application of this gospel centered revelation. To the unique needs of each child. So you're thinking about how does the gospel apply to my child with my child's complexities and personalities and DNA.

13:05

And then knowledge refers to continuation or amplification, because what you're doing, this revelation of God in the gospel that you were applying to each child. You don't just do this once or twice. This is the pattern for you in parenting. This is, this is regular life for you. This is what you're getting in your head. So we, to help us get the lay of the land on this, think about what happens.

13:35

throughout proverbs, you see wisdom, understanding, knowledge scattered throughout proverbs, you have the antithesis of this in chapter one with the one who forsakes wisdom and ends up heating the voice of recklessness and, and it ends up with a destructive life. And so he's pointing to us that there is no shortcut in life by running over others and ruining others. We can't forsake the way of wisdom and pursue other

14:05

horses and no fullness in life a little later and this is what is so very helpful in chapter three. Let's just look at chapter three, uh, verses 19 and 20. If you want to glance at this, and this is where he shows that the Lord use wisdom, understanding and knowledge when he created and built the world. So the Lord founded the earth by wisdom.

14:35

and established the heavens by understanding by his knowledge, the watery depths broke open and the clouds dripped with dew. So the creator created the creation with the same building materials that he has entrusted to us and given us in Christ in the gospel for building our homes. That's how God built the universe. And so you have this divine creativity that took place.

15:04

with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. And this is true for us. He modeled these materials for us as his image bearers so that our homes might mirror the way he builds. So in Proverbs nine, we find the connection in verse one and then verses five and six. That wisdom has built her house. She has carved out her seven pillars. And then he exhorts in verses five and six.

15:32

To the one who lacks sense, literally the one who lacks understanding. She wisdom says, come eat of my food and drink of the wine. I have mixed leave inexperience behind for sake you're finally. And you will live pursue the way of understanding. And so this metaphorical language is teaching us that the kind of life God wants us to enjoy must be built on wisdom. And that's.

16:02

where we find our satisfaction and wisdom leads us to forsaking the way of folly, the anti-wisdom life, and then pursuing understanding or application to wisdom in all of life. And so what Solomon does, he gives us this trio to build our home. That's, that's not found in some 10 step, 12 step program, but rather it is the fear of the Lord. That is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy one.

16:31

is understanding chapter nine, verse 10. So in other words, it's found in relationship to him, wisdom, understanding knowledge are deeply rooted in this relationship to the Lord. So if we're to build a home or build a life or build a marriage that experientially tastes of glory and joy, it begins with God through Christ. To fear the Lord means we trust him. We devote ourselves to him.

17:00

We regard and yield to him and his Lordship over everything. And that's where wisdom in her, her companion starts. So the first thing is wisdom or revelation, revelation, filling our hearts with the wisdom of God in Christ. Now it seems in this context that a house is built by wisdom. Uh, the best way to understand that is by this matter of revelation. And by that, a revelation, I don't mean revelation through prophetic dreams.

17:30

or prophetic voices, not talking about that. Instead, God has revealed himself. He has revealed his truth. He has revealed his ways through holy scripture. We go to the word wisdom looks to the ways of God and it's not have imagining some kind of insights or life philosophies that are distinct from what he has revealed in the word.

18:00

wisdom sets its sights on God's revelation. It sees truth for life and even life itself centered in this revelation of himself in Jesus Christ declared in holy scripture, which is centered and centering the gospel of Christ. It's not some kind of secret wisdom that a few elite people have. That's what happens with.

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Some of these gurus that come around and say, you follow my 10 steps. I know this or somebody that's that I know back when our, I think when our oldest daughter had was first having her kids, there was another guy out in California had this book out. This is the way you do everything. And, and it is that kind of idea that a few super elite people know what to do. No, God's given you his word.

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And he's revealed that in Christ. So think about how Paul explained this in Colossians two, he, he wrote to the believers in Colossian Laodicea. And he said, uh, I want their hearts to be encouraged and joined together in love Colossians two verses one to three so that they may have all the riches of complete understanding, think about application and have knowledge of God's mysteries. Think about this ongoing.

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participation, continuation, to have knowledge of God's mystery, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

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So where do we find wisdom? Where do we continue to live in knowledge? Paul says he's agreeing with Solomon is found in Jesus Christ. So what that means is that we do not know wisdom or apply it or grow in it apart from knowing him to know him. Begins in the gospel. We believe that he is the God man. He is the incarnate one. He is the one that God sent. And in his death.

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for us, he satisfied all righteousness in eternal justice. And he died that wrath absorbing death at the cross. And we believe that he rose from the dead and in that death, he triumphed over sin and death. And those believing in him have not just an academic knowledge of him, but we experience him as redeemer, as Lord.

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as master as key. That's why husbands and wives living in Christ have wisdom for building their homes, that entry into relationship with Christ is the starting point for discovering that in Jesus are hidden. All the treasures of wisdom and knowledge there in him. So you, you see, you see where we're going. As we grow in him.

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then we're seeing more. We keep building upon this foundation of Christ as Lord and life and Lucas explains, and all the growth and progress in the Christian life must be entirely consistent with its beginning with faith in Christ. So we're not getting off on some kind of philosophical tangent, but we're centering everything in Christ. Wisdom is this revelation of God.

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And revelation is pointing supremely at Jesus Christ in the gospels, the foundation for everything. And so it's no stretch to say that while there are many things that make a home and many things that we can learn from scripture about marriage and singleness and family, the most critical from start to the day of death is this revelation of God in Christ. For it is just here.

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that our character and our conversation and our attitudes and our actions and our love and our service, our forgiving heart, our kindness. That's where our source is. That's where it is. And it is these characteristics that work out of our lives as parents so that they affect everything in our homes and whether we have kids in the home or not, this wisdom is revelation of God in Christ shapes.

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the character and practice in our singleness or in our marriage, it's shaping us as image bearers so that we serve others in a way that honors and glorifies Christ. And we just get to build on that if we're, if we've got kids. And so that's why wisdom revelation built your homes. The Bible reveals Jesus in his person and his work so that through that revelation of the gospel, we come to God and we're changed. Now, let me give you.

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Uh, a few points of action, five of them, one regularly read the word, regularly meditate on how God has revealed himself and his eternal purposes in Christ. Brothers and sisters. I cannot over emphasize that enough. Be in the word every day. Don't take any days off because the very day you take off it's a day. You need that wisdom. That's going to be found in the word. Second.

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Think on how you can apply the effects and fruit of the gospel in your life. How do you make application to that fruit of the gospel, the effect to the gospel? I mean, especially, you think about the fruit of the spirit, the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, and gentleness, self-control. If we have all those operating in our marriage and in our parenting, talking about sweet, talking about a home

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that's transformed. Well, read the word with a view to applying the word. Third, consider how specific aspects of life in Christ are going to strengthen your marriage and parenting. Consider how specific aspects of life in Christ can strengthen your marriage and parenting. Um, the, the, last talk at a first Peter came out, it came out of my devotional time. Um, yeah, I preached to our

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I preached through first Peter a long time ago, then I'm slowly digging away in it. Haven't accomplished it yet, but that meditation on the application in marriage, when I saw in the same way, he was like, Oh my goodness, I've been missing this all these years, here's that work of Christ that's central. And so apply this in your personal disciplines and walking in love, living in joy, practicing gentleness, walking in humility, exercise and self control. I mean, all those are things.

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that you want to see operating in your life and in your marriage and in your parenting for it. Pray for these areas that look like Jesus to take root in your life, in marriage and in your parenting. And if you're single, that the glory of God is showing through as, as these areas that look like Jesus are taking root in your life. And then fifth, ask the spirit.

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to reveal sins or patterns, habits, unguarded areas in your life that hinder Christ from being evident in you. So ask the Spirit to reveal habits, patterns, sins, unguarded aspects of your life that hinder Christ from being evident in you. Evident in your singleness, evident in your marriage, evident in your parenting. This is to be a daily part of our lives. Do you pray?

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daily Lord, show me my sins. Do you pause? Do you linger with the Lord? Show me my sins. That is to be on practice. All right. Moving on second to have wisdom. We have understanding or application application. It's working God's wisdom in Christ into the family. This is where we see the real heart of what

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of how applicable this is to our parenting. And notice that he says, and it, the home is established by understanding. So understanding has much more to do with wisdom than just some kind of aha moment. I mean, we can relegate understanding to just knowing something better. But this idea, the way Solomon's used it, means knowing something so that you apply it. So when he said,

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The Lord established the heavens by understanding. He doesn't mean that God said suddenly said, Oh, I got this figured out. Oh yeah. No, it means this is how God acted in his wisdom. That's what we do. Wisdom is hidden in Christ. All the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. So what are we doing? We are exercising understanding. We are exercising application.

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And so understanding is an action term is not simply a cognitive term. And this is where understanding becomes practically helpful because by it, the home is established. It is established by understanding. And so wisdom involves revelation, grasping the truth until that truth becomes real to you in your whole life. And then.

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understanding takes that truth and begins to work it out in details in your life. So in your singleness, how do you take the wisdom of God and apply that, that wisdom of God in the way you live as a single to the glory of God in your marriage? How do you take that wisdom of God and apply it so that your marriage is to the glory of God? Same way. How do you take that wisdom of God and apply it in your parenting so that your parenting displays the beauty and glory of the gospel?

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Well, this kind of application of revelation is going to vary from one family to another. This is, this is what I want us to see. The revelation is the same. Truth doesn't vary. Truth is truth. God declares that truth in his inspired word, um, uh, by that work of the Holy Spirit and giving us Holy scripture, but how that truth gets applied in decisions made and in conversations. And in.

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single relationships and in marriage and in parenting and in building marital intimacy and in family dynamics and in relationships outside the home and in discipline and a thousand other things is going to be different from one family to another. So if you're single, it's going to be.

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applied in a variety of ways that may differ from the way that some of your friends apply that wisdom. The call in each sphere is to pay attention to the application of the gospel to every aspect of your life and how you are living in the providence of God, where you are with your personality and your DNA. And so this is who the Lord is working in our lives in our unique personalities.

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in our providential relationships and in all the experience and circumstances of life. So what you are experiencing personally, it's going to be different from someone else. So how does the gospel work in you? I mean, there are going to be some similarities. We, we know that, but the point that is important for us to see is that there is no cookie cutter approach to home life that ignores a healthy application of truth.

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The, this kind of life, uh, or the, the kind of life that's based on a rigid list of do's and don'ts doesn't have the impact of understanding the way Solomon's using it, that gospel being applied. Because if you've got a list of do's and don'ts, you don't even have to use your mind. You got your checklist. You got it. I got a magnet on the refrigerator door. Here's the checklist. Here's how everybody's got to conform.

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This is what we're going to do. Those kids don't have to think and you don't have to think because somebody else has sent all the thinking for you and you end up creating legalism. That's not what Solomon's talking about. I think one of the biggest stressors that we, we have, whether we're single, whether we're married is an unwillingness to read and pray and think in order to be biblical.

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to think with a gospel shaped mind, because it takes time to do that and you have to discipline your life toward that end. And there's so many other things that are vying for our attention. So when I'm exhorting brothers and sisters, whether you're single or you're married, or you've been married a long time, like Karen and I have been married for a long time, we're still having to do this. We're still having to apply the gospel in the details of life. And so,

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What I mean by this is you have issues that are unique to your life and your marriage and your family that needs specific application from God's word, not generic ideas. And the only way you see that it's reading the word and praying and thinking on the application and the word. So for example, each person in your home has a distinct personality. It isn't it amazing.

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Even when they're little babies, you start seeing their personality. It's just absolutely fascinating. There's the Imago day. There's that image of God that's showing up and there may be similarities to each one, but there are differences. And so those, uh, with those personalities and their conversation and their body language, they're processing things differently. I mean, we have five kids and those five kids.

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process things differently. They viewed their responsibilities in different ways, sometimes not in good ways. And so here were these challenges. They would react to demands and stress and challenges in different ways. They had different interests and different goals in mind and different levels of maturity. So there was no one size fits all in the home approach.

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This is what we've got to see. There's this array of personalities and interests and viewpoints and levels of maturity and grasp of scripture and stages of spiritual development and stages of maturity and temperaments that live within the walls of your home. So how are you going to instruct and lead that child who overthinks everything compared to that child that shrugs? If a sibling drops a plate.

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shatters it. No big deal. One chatters, oh no, what are we going to do? And the other one like, eh, no big deal, just a plate. Some of you know that. You got them in your homes, don't you? Yep, we have them in our home. So you can approach them differently. We had one kid who was the serial police and he, for some reason, he wanted to make sure that

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that there was no waste of precious cereal. Now he didn't do that with my granola. He didn't care about the granola, but the kids cereal, it, I mean, everybody had to make sure they did not waste anything. You couldn't leave anything in the bowl and you certainly could not pour more into the bowl than you should. And you could not spill any of it on the floor. Now the younger two kids were absolutely terrified by his cereal policing. It, it just, uh,

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did something to them, but he was an over thinker. So we had to deal with him in that overthinking way with a gentleness that models confidence in the Lord with that overthinking, teaching him about the sovereignty of God who opposed the universe. I mean, with other that just kind of lets everything go, you have to exercise a firmness.

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that leans into the need to show concern for others and to take responsibility for helping others in needs. You don't have a cookie cutter list of saying this is how I do it. So I mean, if you ever want one of those, uh, one size fits all sock, maybe it's okay. You know, if you've got a size six foot, uh, but I I've bought those in, they're lying. They don't fit. They do not work.

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Chevy, you've run into that problem, I'm sure. And I know grant has run into that, into that problem. Uh, well, what's the difference where you have one size fits all with marriage and parenting is, is, is not, it's not going to happen. Now there are some basic frameworks and we've been talking about those husbands love your wives is Christ loves the church. Husbands live with your wives and understanding way lives to be submissive to your own husbands as unto the Lord, why I'm see to it that you. Uh,

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respect your husband. Uh, we, we haven't talked about the Ephesians, uh, five or Ephesians six. It says, uh, fathers or parents do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up into fear in admonition of the Lord and children obey your parents. For this is right. That's the framework, but they're going to be dozens of applications that are unique to your own setting. So when we attempt to rigidly squeezed everyone into the family, into

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someone else's idea of what our family ought to look like, you're going to miss out on securing some of the best joys that you can have in your home and you're going to miss out on loving them with a Christ saturated attitude and you'll, you'll stifle some creativity and the lights because you're not taking the time to apply the scripture to that particular personality so that it doesn't squash them.

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But leads him to understanding freedom in Christ. Uh, when I was pastoring, I observed several families had multiple children and they all had good intentions and they took the pre-packaged plan that some speaker gave them use this speaker had strong demanding personality and. He wanted them to stuff their children into his rigid box that he claimed to be God's way. And it left them a mess.

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And some of those children are way grown now have their own kids and they're still dealing with what happened. They're, they're still trying to process that. They're still trying to emerge from that, uh, from the bondage they were living in. There were others that rebelled against what they were taught. It's not that the parents were trying to be evil. They had noble intentions. They didn't want their kids to make some of them the same mistakes they made.

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But they didn't think about the personality. They had a one size fits all. And so we need the framework. Husband's loving, why I'm submitting parents, not provoking the anger, kids obeying, but we also don't need to be lazy in our thinking and observations with our children. It takes mental energy though. So that's, that's why sometimes we, we kind of slide on it. Uh, and, and we might think of that pre-packaged plan, but think about

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How proverbs 22 six puts it. Uh, and actually the CSV, I think has maybe the best translation on this one. Start a youth out on his way, train him for child and where he should go. So the way it usually is. Start a child, uh, start a youth out in his way, uh, or according to his way. And when he was old, he will not depart from it. Uh, Chuck's when don't.

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Explain this is trying to put child according to the events of his life. And so what you're doing, you're giving attention to the personality, the disposition, the interest, the maturity. Uh, as you train correct and lead your children, uh, one of the fun things through the years for me was teaching our kids how to drive care and relegated that responsibility to me. I gladly took it. I was glad to do that. And even did that with.

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uh, some of our grandchildren. And so I realized that each one in teaching them had a different personality. So I had to do them differently. And you know, some, I could be very firm about things to others. I had to be a little more gentle and judicious. And so, um, when, when I was teaching our oldest daughter to drive, uh, we, I, I let her younger brother go and sit in the back seat while we're in this big.

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empty parking lot at night and I had a five speed. I wanted to learn how to, how to drive the five speed. And, and so I would say now you ease down on the accelerator. Just think of it like there's an egg sitting on it. You don't want to crush the egg. You want to be gentle and you want to do the same thing. You want to ease off on the clutch. East down, ease off. Well, you don't know her, but her personality is not east down.

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Stomp and jerk. That's her personality. And I mean, it was her personality from time. She was a little baby to this very day. That's her personality. So she kept dump. We call it dumping the clutch. So if you driven it, you know what dumping the clutch is you, you hit the accelerator and then you jerked a clutch in the engine stops and so we were just jerk, jerk, jerk, and I'd say east end and I did it softly east on the accelerator.

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He's off on the clutch, you know, this, this process going, and she just kept dumping the clutch. So her brother, 12 years old, never been behind a driver's, the, the steering wheel says, it says to her, don't you hear what dad is saying? East down on the accelerator, ease off on the clutch. And she said, if you're so smart, why don't you come do it? I said, stop the car. That's a good idea. So I had her go in the backseat.

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I had him, twelve year old, sit in the driver's seat. What do you do? Smooth as silk.

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Very first time, not even a bump. It was like he'd been driving for 30 years.

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That was what my daughter needed. She got in and it humbled her and she thought I need to listen and smooth as silk she took off. Well, I didn't, I didn't make fun of her. Now I was laughing. I couldn't contain myself. I was laughing, but here was her personality with, with this son. I could, I could have been firmer with him. He got it at that point at other points. I had to be much, much firmer with him.

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Uh, but with her, I had to, uh, I had to be gentler, um, with, I have to say this one because this is kind of fun with our oldest granddaughter, she can, she can do anything. She just so good at things, but she's super conscientious. She doesn't want to do the wrong thing. So I took her out to drive for the first time we're in a parking lot and there's a curve with a curb in a drop off.

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About 15 feet drop off. So, you know, you don't want to jump to curve and do that. So we're, we're driving around. She's, she's doing well. This was an automatic, but you know, she had never driven before. So she's driving around, but she's starting to feel a little more like I got this. So she starts going around this curve with the curb in the 15 foot drop off. And she had sped up so much. She had almost gunned it and I had to go hit the brakes and I grabbed the steering wheel and jerked it.

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And she stopped and she was just scared. And I said, we're not gonna tell your parents about this. She said, oh good, thank you, thank you, dad, aunt. Because that would have so deflated her and your personality because I watched her. And so this was that application. That's what I'm talking about. Pay attention to your children. You not only have varying personalities in your home, you've got...

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varied experiences of Providence. God brings different circumstances, actions, difficulties, challenges, opportunities in, uh, into the home. And one's facing something that the other's not facing. And so that writer who gives you a checklist doesn't know your children and they don't know the Providence of God in your life. And you're following that, that grocery style list of family life in the unfolding Providence is.

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of God and what you need instead is this lively ongoing grasp of God's revelation that you're implying, you're applying to your children, cookie cutter approach. You won't work. You're going to have your faces in the word and in prayer and being sensitive for how you apply that word in their lives. I remember a number of years ago, there was a tornado that came, came through

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And it literally went over the house where we were living at that time, and then just started dropping down and got over in the area close to Houston high school and, and came down and destroyed some homes in one of our kids classmates from the previous year died in that, in that tornado. And you understand remember how stunned he was and how grieve we were. We didn't know the child, but he did. He was a, he was a friend. So.

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This wasn't time for us to have the checklist. Oh, you got to go clean your room. You're going to pick your toys up. You got to go do this and that. No, it was just hugging on him and him watching. How do we respond to a bitter providence? What are we teaching him? How do we speak into his life? And so he needed to hear us praying for this family that had gone through loss and discussing God's providence. So that with his young mind, he would know how to

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how to have some way to deal with that. Application makes you sensitive to where every family member is with the Lord. One that's unbelieving, you wanna nurture their hearts toward Christ. You wanna create a legalist. If you don't quit doing this, God's gonna get you. No! There is a sign, famously, on I-65.

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Between Montgomery and Birmingham, there was a lake. So if you ever go to the beach that way on the way back, you'll see it. Go to church on Sunday or the devil is going to get you. Some of you probably seen that if you've come back from the beach. Uh, I just saw it driving back from Montgomery. Uh, and I thought what utterly poor theology. So you go to church and you still go to hell because you don't know Christ. And so it's horrible theology.

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Don't give your kids bad theology. Nurture their hearts toward Christ. And this queer Ted trips book, shepherding a child's heart is a really good book for parenting and helping us to think on that. Pay attention to their personalities, their temperaments, their interests, their stages of life. You're going to do a teenager a lot different than what you're doing. Uh, you're a toddler and you're going to be talking at them in different levels. You're going to be, uh, I mean, just, just as

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Tell us from the slippery to wives in an understanding way. You're going to be living with your kids in an understanding way so that you understand better, how do I apply the word in their lives and the effect of it. Well, did those kids follow Christ in the grand scheme? The effect of it is going to change the family dynamic. It's going to affect those relationships. And I believe even, uh, even if all those children don't follow Christ.

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They may very well, so have extraordinary appreciation for you in the way you treat them and train them. So the third thing, and I'll do this much quicker and then we're going to do Q and a is continuation living in God's wisdom. I'm looking at our schedule. I'm okay. Joshua, man, I'm doing this on fly. All right.

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Continuation living in God's wisdom in Christ. This is the knowledge and by knowledge, the rooms are filled with every precious and beautiful treasure. So wisdom is taking the revelation of God centered in Christ in his word, understanding that this understanding is applying appropriately that word and knowledge means you're going on in it. You're continuing in it. You are amplifying it. Proverbs 3 20.

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by his knowledge, the watery depths broke open and the clouds drip with dew. In other words, knowledge in this case is not static information that the Lord held in his memory, but it's his truth, his wisdom that's continuing to be applied in his creation. And so if we're learning God's revelation of himself centered in Christ and we're applying that revelation in our family's

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varied personalities and stages of life and provinces and interests. We don't just do this once. This is the pattern. This is, uh, is a ongoing process of life. And so Paul does this similarly in Colossians one, he takes the same trio clashes one nine to 12 for this reason. Also since today we heard of this, we haven't stopped praying for you. We were asking that you may be filled, filled with the knowledge of his will. So this

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continuation, this amplification of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding. So here's this wisdom, here's the application, and now you're continuing in it. And so Paul is relating this grass of the will of God found in the word, applying it and staying in it. So let's think about that in terms of our homes. How do we keep this going?

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Well, I want to give you, um, an example that is not about the home, but the pattern is absolutely perfect because we would like to determine our children's outcome in life. We would that's our motive, but can't. So if we do that and we try to squeeze them, then we're going to, we're going to be missing out on the joy.

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and creativity in their lives as image bearers that, that are going to show up as we are trying to apply the word in their lives rather than creating legalists. And so how do, how do we do that? Well, let me give you this example in Acts 14, Paul and Barnabas had in verse 21, 23 had been through the ancient Asia minor, uh, and had

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planted churches and, and so, you know, you got Lystra and Derby and places like that, uh, Iconium, uh, Antioch and they, and what they, they, they did three things, they taught and equipped the churches in the gospel and healthy church life. So they taught them and they equipped them. The second thing they established good patterns and structures for them. They established elder plurality.

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in all of these churches. So they gave them a framework for what they had taught so that it would continue. And then the third thing, they provided a good faithful example of what it looks like to live life in Christ. And then this is what Luke says right at the end in verse 23, acts 14, and they commended them to the Lord.

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They commended them to the Lord. So there were no guarantees these churches were gonna follow through. But they did what God had entrusted them to do. What do we do as parents? We teach and train them in the instruction of the Lord.

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We give them a healthy family life. We model marriage to them. We give them life structures so that they learn what it is to function together in other relationships. And then we give them an example. We model what is it like to have a Christ-centered marriage? And then we commend them to the Lord. We commend them to the Lord. Does that mean if you have kids that all your kids will become

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Christians. We don't know that. That and see, this is where out of good intentions, we want all of our kids to follow Christ. Sometimes they don't, but let that not be because we failed to teach them, give them a framework and model the gospel for them. Let it not be those things that have gotten in a way.

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This is the sovereign work of God. But it does mean you've laid a gospel foundation for their lives. It does mean you've established ability in your life, your home, your marriage, and you've set an example for living the Christ life. And in that process, there will be surprising joys in seeing God at work through the application of his word. And maybe

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That unbelieving child is going to come to faith in Christ. That unbelieving child is going to remember, this is what I saw.

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And there is the mercy of God. So know Jesus in his revelation in the gospel, that's wisdom. Apply the gospel in its fullness to the whole of life, all the variety of life, that's knowledge. And keep pressing on in Christ, applying the gospel, learning and growing and maturing, that's understanding. May the Lord give grace to us in that. Amen.

 

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