Session 5 - Phil & Karen Newton Q&A

00:00

How would you encourage, especially single brothers and sisters, to think about dating apps? So it's becoming increasingly just kind of common way in our digital age to meet people. Good, bad, neutral wisdom that you would give to those who are desiring to be married and then using dating apps. Yeah. I have never looked on a dating app. Have you ever? I'm glad. Yeah, you're glad. Okay, all right. So.

00:28

There was no such thing growing up with us. We had several folks at Southwoods that met on, I guess they were an app, a website or something like that, that met, but I think, boy, you had to be judicious. I don't know, what do you think of that? I probably know a little bit more about it. I think you know more about it. You do because I've talked to ladies that have used it.

00:57

I mean, you have to be careful, obviously, and I don't really know that much about it. I just know I've seen some marriages that have been a result of they found each other on a dating app, and it's a good thing, and they're happily married and so forth. It seems to be something that's, you know, it's just the way people meet that's a little more normal that wasn't around when we were dating. Having said that, I mean...

01:25

You have to be pretty smart about it. And I don't know, there's a lot of variety of dating apps, apparently. And I think probably some are better than others maybe, but I don't know what that is. So, has anybody ever met on the dating app in here? Did any of you all meet? You don't have? Well, I shouldn't ask that. I shouldn't ask that. Okay. There we go. There you go. So, I would never say, hey, against it, because I know too many people. It's just.

01:53

That's the way they met and I think it's wonderful. Probably a lot of the dynamics have changed over the years with, I mean, where we were meeting and where people our age now tended to get married a little younger than folks nowadays. And so there's probably a lot more reliance on those. And, you know.

02:21

It's wonderful if you meet folks at church and you end up getting married. Praise God. Or, you know, you just, you need to be careful where you meet them. You meet somebody in shady places, you may have a shady marriage, you know. I don't know. So, you know, if those maps, if those apps are shady, then, you know, I think you just really have to have a lot of discernment. And I would say if you're, if you're doing that, have some accountability with.

02:49

some brothers and sisters in the church to help you navigate on that. And I would not do that without some accountability. And I don't think you have to be ashamed. Hey, I'm looking on a dating app because I can't find anyone. Okay, but have some accountability.

03:12

Hello? Yes. Hello. Did you guys have different parenting styles, maybe upbringings, views on discipline? Like, did you find yourself united at every turn, or were you bringing some different styles? And if so, how did you work to stay united in front of your kids and not let that be a wedge in your marriage? Yeah, I would say we probably had some differences. My dad was really stern.

03:42

He just wasn't one to pamper you, do anything like that. And he was pretty quick to correct and strongly correct. And I'm thankful for it. I think the Lord used that in my life. I think my brother and I needed that. But I think sometimes he was too strong in the way he corrected. So I had to be mollified in that because that was the model that I had.

04:11

And I think your folks corrected, but probably did it in a little bit better way, maybe. I don't know. I didn't think you were that.

04:25

Sometimes I thought, well, I was a lot more of a scaredy cat type mother. Like, if you took the kids somewhere, you know, I wanted to make sure that you were going to watch them really well and not let them do crazy things. So, anybody identify with that? And I might let them do crazy things just a little bit, but reasonable.

04:53

oh you're going to get hurt, you know, and afraid for them to do certain things. You were not like that. So that's the way I, I don't know, that's not really discipline though, I don't guess it's just. Well, it is parenting style though. It's a parenting style. I'm thinking of our differences on that. I think one of the main things we didn't, if we disagreed, we're going to disagree in private and the kids, the kids would always see a united front with us on that. And, and sometimes we would talk through in.

05:22

she would help me and I would help her. I think that's a fair statement in, okay, how do we deal with this personality in one kid? I mean, much of our kids have really strong personalities in, that's not a sure way of saying, most of them were really stubborn. And so how do you deal with their stubbornness in and do it in different ways? And we leaned into each other's wisdom and then

05:52

We prayed together about these things. So I don't know that we sat down at the beginning of marriage or beginning of when she was pregnant with our first and saying, okay, how are we gonna do all this? I think we just did it. And then if something came out, maybe it was, hey, maybe that's a little too firm or I think that's a little bit too soft. I think we need to go otherwise. And then we would work through on that. And.

06:19

I don't remember us getting into arguments from parents. I don't think we were that far apart with the way. I don't remember a lot of struggles over that. I would suggest read somebody like, yeah, okay, got it. Read someone like Ted Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, and spin around for years and years.

06:48

But the overall picture, he's not giving you a checklist. He's, he's dealing really dealing with the parents attitude of heart more so than the child's in parenting. Read through something like that. The ones that are boxing everything into a checklist, put them aside. I mean, they may have some good stuff, but the overarching thing is affecting your attitude to think if I'm a legalist here, I'm going to get.

07:15

get the end result I want out of my kids. Yeah.

07:28

talking until maybe here it is. So we, so you've been emphasizing a lot about the word, prioritizing your walk with Christ. And so I wanted to ask Karen, a little bit more of a specific question in regards to what you were mentioning yesterday. I mean, five kids at home, you know, there's a lot going on there. And so I was just wondering if you could get really practical, I think a lot of us are in that season of babies, toddlers.

07:56

and wanting to prioritize our time in the word. Could you just share, like, how did you, you know, how did you do that with being at home? I don't know what your community looked like back then, but could you just like take yourself back there even and share some of that? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I don't think I did a very good job of it, to be perfectly honest. But one thing that I did do that I would not do as much now.

08:25

is I had my devotions a lot of times at night. That's just the way it worked out for me. You always hear it starts your morning with your devotions. It didn't work so hot for me. I'm not by nature just a really great morning person. And we stretch our kids out. There's 15 years difference between our oldest and youngest. And so I had little people for a long time. And so I did much better if I did mine at night.

08:56

I wouldn't do that now. I prefer the morning and I see the benefit of it and so forth, but that's, you know, I did what I could do sort of, I guess, you know, after getting up in the night a lot and that type thing. So don't, I don't think you should go on a guilt trip, you know, with babies and, you know, as long as your desire is there, you know, if you have a desire and you have to do it in a little unconventional way, I think that's perfectly fine. And,

09:26

And the day will come where you'll have your mornings to yourself and you can do it the way you want to and it is a nice beautiful thing. But it just, and so sometimes I would be on a guilt trip about that and I got over that really and truly. And I had a lot of meaningful, you know, time at night and would read, you know, not only my, you know, the scripture or whatever, but books and biographies and things like that, you know. And...

09:55

So it worked.

10:05

Going, I'm loud. Oh, okay. I'm gonna ask this as broadly as possible. How would you lay a gospel foundation and offer your kids stability in maybe a home life that is not stable or that is broken? Yeah, yeah. I think that's where you set that example. You be the teacher because you're gonna be the primary teacher.

10:33

You keep, and I think it's good as, as their little minds develop, it's good to talk about the brokenness of sin and have that affects us. It is good to talk about the kindness and mercy of the Lord that shows up. Even when everything is not going well. Um, do you, I mean, I've been reading an old biography on John Newton and, uh, written by Josiah Bull. So it was written in the.

11:02

1800s and John Newton's mother was a faithful Christian. His dad wasn't and his mother had this massive impact on him later as a, you know, he's, he's on a slave ship and he ends up getting converted because of the influence that his mother had. And so I think that's where you, you just cry out to the Lord, Lord.

11:30

You know where I am, you know the weakness, you know what I'm going through. Will you multiply the effort that you're giving me through your grace? Will you multiply that in my kids? And, and then I think the reinforcement that you see with members of the body of Christ is, is supplementing what you're doing. The Godly example you give is going to be, I mean, that's gold. It's absolute gold.

12:00

And that, that sticks in a kid's mind as much as anything.

12:10

How did y'all know?

12:13

I'll let you go first. That's a good question.

12:21

Well, we, no, you go first. You go first. Well, all right. I would say junior in college when we met, she was a senior in college. And, you know, I'll tell you a little bit about it last night. I'm, I, there was a girl I took to church. I mean, we weren't really dating. I took her to church a couple of times and maybe we got pizza once. And there have been other girls that I, that dated, but you know, there, there was not that, that heart. I'm, I want to spend my life with her.

12:51

And when we met, there was this change in our affections, to I want to spend my life with her. And it didn't take long after we met till we, that's what started happening. So it was reinforced when she graduated, moved back to her town, a Biola Bachelor, where I'm serving on staff. And so we...

13:21

We had dinner together with her cousin that introduced us pretty much every night, or I ate at her house. And you stayed until like two o'clock in the morning. Yeah, we did stay up pretty late. But finally the day came where I let David, her cousin, know three is a crowd. You're gonna have to get out of this. And I think, I mean, we were engaged within

13:50

six weeks after that. Yeah, we moved fast. We met in March. We had our first date July 4th. We went canoeing. And you asked me to marry you off as first. Yeah. And we got married in December. So we moved fast, obviously. And we didn't have any cold feet. No cold feet. And we just went forward. Yeah.

14:20

It was, my kids were a little bit embarrassed about it over the years. They thought, mom, dad, don't tell people that story. That is so, I think they're okay with it now, you know. But when they were teenagers and stuff, they were like, don't tell that. But anyway, we moved fast and really with our kids, we told our kids, if you find someone that you think, you know, you want to marry, they want to marry you, and they,

14:48

They love the Lord and they're Christians. And we'll give you blessings on that. You don't have to have a year engagement or anything like that. I don't think that's, I'm a big believer. If you know what you want and what the Lord seems to be moving you toward, go ahead, don't waste any more time, go for it. Yeah, my niece just got engaged and she's,

15:17

I had a conversation with her, I don't know, back maybe two months ago, three months ago. She was engaged maybe a month now. So it was probably about three months ago and she, she really loves the work. We got a good relationship. And, and I said, look, you need to marry that boy. You need to quit. You, you, you're afraid you're going to miss out on something. You're afraid something's not going to go right. Go ahead and get married.

15:45

You, you love him. You're crazy about him. He's crazy about you. What are you waiting on? So, man, she moved to marriage up. It's coming fast. So she's getting married in December. Uh, and, uh, I mean, everything's going fast on that. Uh, I mean, I think if you, if you're willing to commit yourself and, uh, to, to that other person and you're willing to spend your life with them, don't let grass grow under your feet.

16:15

Go ahead, go ahead and get engaged. I mean, yeah, talk to brothers and sisters, that's fine. You have some accountability in that. Am I being wise in this? That's okay. But move forward.

16:35

Yes. In seasons of your marriage where you've been struggling, be it X, Y, or Z, at what point have you guys reached out to help? And then who did you guys reach out to for help and counsel? Usually, we've worked through things through word and prayer. I mean, usually, we've had a few things along the way where

17:04

You know, I get a terminal illness. I need a few people speaking into my life. And so, you know, there were some long time friends that have known us, some of my pastor brothers, and you know, some of the folks at church. Some other things, there have been those that knew us really well that we would talk to and seek counsel. We've even...

17:33

We've been taught with some of our kids about some decisions. I mean, you know, the decision about retiring from pastoring and doing the work with the Pillar Network, one of our kids in particular was incredibly helpful and was very discerning. But usually it was a very tight, tight group of people that knew us well. But with most things, I would say most things

18:02

We talk through, we try to work it out, and then maybe there's somebody that says, hey, we're dealing with this. How do we process this? I'm not sure I quite understood the question exactly. Can you rephrase it? So say you're disagreeing about something or you're

18:31

lacking intimacy for a time period or, you know, your husband is maybe not living with you in an understanding way or, you know, there's something going on in your marriage and you're working on it together. But at what point are you like, hey, we need help here. We need to let so and so in. Is it my girlfriend? Is it my pastor? Is it, you know, my parents? Like, who is it?

18:57

And at what point are you like, okay, now we're there where we need help? Is it the very beginning? Is it after a couple weeks? I don't know if you put time on it. Are you asking what we did or are you asking in general what we advise? Both, yeah, what you guys would counsel us and how to think about it. Okay, by God's grace, we have been able to work out, I think, pretty much everything with each other. I mean.

19:25

We never, did we ever go to this town? I mean in terms of our relationship, by God's grace, only. Only His grace. Only, only. We've been there to work things out. That didn't mean that we didn't have some toughness. We had to really work through, have conversations, and it wasn't something that was an instantaneous movement, but it was the kind of thing that we had to.

19:55

We had to be willing to listen. We had to get over, maybe there was anger or bitterness over something. We had to get over that and whatever time that took and work through, but I don't remember us being at a still mate where we could not get past. Had that been the case, we would have definitely gone to a brother or maybe even a sister that we loved and respected.

20:25

I know then Karen mentioned last night there was a Bible teacher that she had 30 years ago that really impacted her and I think she would have had a lot of freedom to talk with her. There were some mentors in my life and I would have had freedom to talk with them on that. And I think there's different seasons in marriage where I think having teenagers is probably,

20:54

We had conversations about how to handle a lot of things that came up with that. There was probably a little more. We had conversations with my mom's son on that when the kids were teenagers. Karen's mom died when she was 54. So, unfortunately, we didn't have her. Her mom was 54. So, we didn't have her around. But we talked to...

21:23

Mama changed some, and some of those things in, you know, when we're, we're getting into that stage. And then we've talked to other folks in the body that we had respect for. I think it, I think it depends on where you are. It, if there was a stalemate, get some help. Yeah. That, that to me would be the standard. If there's a stalemate or there's something that's, that's been crushing, get some help in, and that's where I'd say generally.

21:53

Go to some people that have some either you really admire their spiritual life. I probably wouldn't, I'm trying to go to people older generally because of life experience, because sometimes with peers, they go like, Oh no, the earth is, is, is caving in on you. And maybe somebody that's older go, no, you'll walk through this and here's what it's going to take because there are things now that don't that.

22:21

Maybe we see younger people just falling apart on work, kind of going, what's the big deal? It is only because of life experience. So I would say utilize those with life experience that can.

22:38

And if you weren't, if you're not able to make a breakthrough and you feel like the other, you know, like if you, I didn't feel like you had listened or you didn't feel like I'd listened, we would have definitely, you know, but. Gone to the elders and talk with them. But thankfully, you know, we developed the pattern of communication so nothing got so broad or big that we didn't, we couldn't deal with it.

23:07

We try not to procrastinate on issues. And that, and I think that's absolutely critical. Don't bottle things up. Go ahead and deal with them, whether they're smaller, rather than getting bigger.

23:21

Will you guys give it up for Phyllis and Karen? Yeah.

Session 2 - Q&A

And so really excited to get to have a time where we get to hear from you guys through Q&A. And so a number of members have submitted questions. In light of the questions, you know, trying to be a good Baptist, alliterations, put the categories in the Cs, you know, in regards to connection, we have some questions concerning conflict.

01:35

Cohesion, being united, I know that may be a little stretched, but hey, stretch that thing. That's what happens when you elude, right? Cohesion, being on the same page, giving some counsel about particular matters, and then also rhythms regarding consistency. And so, try to get this thing going, going to start us off, and I'll be bouncing around as well. And so starting us off.

02:02

Northern a number of our members, most of the members who are married and have children, most of them are in the younger years, and so have a bunch of young families. And so you guys are empty nesters, so we're asking you to think all the way back, not all the way back, but think back a few decades. When your kids were still in the home, how did the Newtons strive to show your children that your marriage was a priority?

02:32

Like what regular rhythms daily, weekly did you guys implement to prioritize your one another in your marriage? Well you want to go first? I've been talking a lot. Okay. All right. Well we were affectionate with each other around the kids and so kissing, holding hands.

02:57

I might pinch her on the rear or something. I'm just being honest. We didn't try to hide our affection from them. I think that was one thing. And we'd laugh together a lot. And we would playfully pick at each other. Playfully, not, I mean playfully, easily. So.

03:27

What do you want to add to that? After that?

03:33

Yeah, our kids, I think they always knew that we were. Yeah.

03:41

we put each other as a priority. I'm trying to think exactly how we did that. A lot of it was just a natural flow of life for us. Yeah. As far as in front of the kids, well, you called me every day from work at 11 o'clock. I knew that. If you didn't call me, I knew you had an engagement with somebody or something had happened. And they knew about that. They knew about the 11 o'clock.

04:09

You checked on me, you know, to see how my day was going. And that got to be very, that was very important that I still notice this the first thing I mentioned that you did that because it showed me that he was thinking about my day, you know, home with the kids and so forth. So. You know, I think about something I used to do with the kids. I did it more when they got a little bit older, especially when they got a little snarky, you know, that you get that.

04:38

get a little closer to teenage years and in stage years, I get snarky and I'd sit them down and say, now you gotta understand something. You are a temporary resident in this home. That's true, you did that. And we are very happy to have you here. We love having you here and would be sad when you go, but you are temporary and your mom and I.

05:03

are gonna be spending the rest of our lives together and we're gonna enjoy every moment of it. And so I'm gonna do stuff like that with them so that they would know that. On that note, not that note in particular, one of the things you spoke with Stephanie a couple of times in our home when we had you over is that when the kids left, the marriage was good because you guys made sure y'all had a...

05:28

marriage centered home as opposed to a kids centered home. Can you give some practical examples for us and what did you guys do to make sure, obviously the affection that you've communicated, the phone calls, anything else in particular to labor towards having a marriage centered home even while you have children in the home. Hmm.

05:55

It's been a while, I'm thinking. I think a lot of our decisions weren't always based upon the kids. I mean, I'm not sure if I'm saying that right. That doesn't sound unloving to them. Okay, okay, okay. It was like they were extremely important.

06:17

to us, but obviously. And we have a good relationship. We have a great relationship with our adult children. But everything wasn't just always focused around them. We focused around ourselves, the two of us sometimes. And they knew that. And of course, you can do that to a fault. And I don't think we did that. But we didn't mind doing that instead of just being totally a child-centered home, you know, and I can't do this or that. Because you know.

06:47

Can you add to that a little bit? Yeah, we also would, we would try to do a trail and get away. So we'd go out and go to a bed and breakfast and eat at a nice restaurant and stuff like that and kids like, say, she's the focus. And so, you know, that was visually communicating that to them. And I.

07:16

I think the way we talk with each other and the way we were never demeaning about each other with the kids. Trying to pit one kid, I've got to get this kid on my side for whatever reason. That's silly to do stuff like that. A lot of times it happens in marriages.

07:45

We tried to speak always respectfully. And if the kids did any sassing of their mom, that was a really big mistake with me. I'm going to take up for her. I'm going to deal with that. And I think some of that was reinforcing our relationship has priority over whatever you want to do.

08:13

And so, yeah, I think you're right. We made decisions. We wanted to do what was best for everyone, but sometimes what was best for everyone was what was best for us. It sounds selfish, doesn't it? Yeah, that may sound selfish, but the older you get, you go, I see. There's some ways of doing it. Well, it doesn't sound as selfish as it may come off, especially a lot of your point in what you said, like one of your points was prioritizing your marriage. I'm blanking on how exactly you worded it

08:43

point intro but oh you said one of the in parenting one of the best things that you can give your kids is a healthy marriage yeah and so seeing having that principle that perspective which is certainly true I don't think that's selfish yeah at all again it's exemplary for them to see that yeah mom and dad prioritize their covenant relationship with each other

09:11

Go ahead. Well, I was just, we didn't talk, I didn't speak ill of you with the children or anything. There wasn't this private thing going on with our children. I can tell you. So, you know, private talking going on with the children about our relationship or anything like that, unless it was some, I mean, unless it was something positive that we, you know, wanted to talk about. But. Yeah. And I think.

09:38

The way we talk to each other, that we were both very, very respectful with each other, that communicates to kids that, oh, this is something important. And the way we could smile at each other and laugh at each other and...

09:55

and speak kindly or express gratitude to each other and the kids are hearing that. And so, you know, that a lot of this, I don't think he can do, do a checklist and say, okay, have we done this, this and this today? You just get into that flow where you are crazy about each other and you, you're grateful for each other.

10:17

and you want to express that visually. And the kids pick up on that. That's why Steven Youngison made that comment about our marriage. And they've still done that. After they've been married, they just had their...

10:34

anniversary in May I think and and and Stephen and Anna Grace his wife said well y'all been taking example for us and you know for them to say that was super encouraging because it wasn't as though we were

10:55

We had our schedule, okay, on Thursdays, we gotta be sure and set an example for the kids. It was nothing like that, just a normal flow of life. It's been a gift. I mean, it's grace. I mean, so a gift, I'm sitting here thinking, was it intentional? It was, but it's also a gift. Yeah, praise the Lord. Yeah. So. Absolutely. Yeah.

11:23

Karen, we have a question for you, seeing that Phil talked extensively about his final point being about submission. And brother, thank you for, man, just giving a clarifying definition of it and an example taking us to Philippians two, with Jesus' submission. And so Karen, what has helped you to cultivate a submissive heart towards Phil? Well.

11:50

obviously the scriptures and frankly he's been very nice and kind to me over the years it is not hard to submit to a man that you know is looking out for your best interests it has not been difficult

12:09

And, you know, so I'm coming from a perspective of being married to someone who's just, he's just a gracious man and always has been, you know, in our whole marriage. So it's just. She's exaggerating. I'm actually not, but that's okay. You know, so it's another gift. So.

12:30

In light of that, how would you encourage sisters and our wives in particular to cultivate a submissive heart towards their husbands in the congregation? What's this in the congregation? Wives in the congregation? So you said the scriptures. The scriptures, your walk with the Lord and realizing that a lot of times it is pride that we're battling so much of our lives it seems like.

12:59

I think if we can really realize, and especially think about Christ and what he did and how he humbled himself. The more you know of Christ and what he's done for you and your own sin and how you've been forgiven and it all becomes real to you. It's just a little bit more difficult to be ornery with somebody else as much as you might want to sometimes.

13:30

It's good to feel we have a question coming your way. And so, brother, what are some practical ways you sought to live with Karen in an understanding way in light of 1 Peter chapter three? And how did you, do you, how did you slash, do you strive to prioritize your marriage in the midst of busy work seasons? Yeah, I think a big part of that is communicating. So,

13:55

I try to pay attention to her. I know her idiosyncrasies. I know her ticks. I know what she's going to be doing, what she's not going to be doing, or what she's interested in. And so the big thing, you pay attention. You don't presume.

14:17

you listen to how she talks. I mean, I read her face, I can tell if she wakes up in the morning, she had a good night's sleep or not. I can look at her face and tell. I can listen to the tone of her voice, is she struggling with something? Because I'm paying attention. And so I think the big thing, don't.

14:37

Don't complicate that. Pay attention, observe, and then act on it in living your life in an understanding way. And then sometimes, you know, it's asking questions. So there have been plenty of times I've asked about different things going on and maybe something that's more...

14:58

more that a sister would understand better than a husband. So I say, okay, explain to me how you're struggling in this area. Help me because my mind doesn't operate like that. And so being able to get in her mind a little bit, and then racing a couple of daughters helped out. And she helped me to be able to pay attention to those two.

15:27

lovely ladies that we had the privilege of bringing up. And then the second half was. The second half is, how did you slash do you strive to prioritize your marriage in the midst of busy work seasons? Yeah. One of the things that I try to do some now since my studies at home, you know, I can.

15:50

holler down, hey Karen, and occasionally I'll send her a text, but you know usually I'll holler at her, but I'll try to come downstairs.

16:01

in the mornings or a couple of times, just check on her, see how she's doing. I like that. It's little things like that. I don't think we have to do, I remember somebody one time was trying to get in good with his wife and he's giving her all these expensive things and I'm thinking, your wife didn't give a rip about all those expensive things. She just wants you to pay attention to her.

16:29

And so sitting down, paying attention, coming downstairs when I'm scheduled to come downstairs instead of being off, staying at it. And I can keep, I love my work so I can keep doing it. I try to like.

16:49

I travel international a fair bit, and AT&T has this plan for $10 a day, maybe $12 now. You can do unlimited, and other carriers probably do too, but I'll call her every day somewhere internationally, and I'm thinking that is the best $10 or $12 investment that I can make. And I'll text her and let her know what's going on.

17:17

and all that. Yeah. I don't know. You've gotten really, over the years, you've gotten better and better. Of course, you couldn't call when we were younger. Yeah, when we were younger, we couldn't do that. I wouldn't see you for two days or whatever, so I think, but yeah. That's a big deal, you know, that you call, cause I know you're with a whole bunch of, all your friends and your guys, your preacher boys, preacher friends and everything. And I'm like, but you take the time to call me. And that's big. Doesn't have to be a long phone call.

17:47

really good. Praise God. And so knowing that in the marriage of two centers become one and with two centers seeing that there will definitely be conflict and so thinking through conflict how do you find the balance between speaking up when something is bothering you versus overlooking an offense? Yeah. I think some offenses you overlook because the problem

18:17

is not necessarily the spouse, the problem is me having an itchy spirit about it. And I think that's where I mentioned self-importance earlier.

18:30

I think sometimes if I'm finding too much self-importance, then I'll let something bother me and offend me that maybe it's not that big a deal. I mean, you know, we all will say some things we shouldn't say and we'll have a cranky moment and all that. If we do that, we don't, I mean a lot of times it's just, okay.

18:55

You know, I can overlook that. Now, if it's a continued crankiness, that's another story you've got to investigate. Okay, why is this going on? You know, maybe instead of Karen offending me, maybe I've offended her and it's created a backlash on that. And so we need to get that out.

19:17

The thing about it, and I'm sure those of you who've been married for a few years, you read each other well. We really read each other like books. We can finish each other's sentences. We know each other's thoughts in a kind of an odd way because we spent so much time with each other and we pay attention to the warp and move of life with each other. You see anything you wanna add on that? What was that again?

19:49

Overlooking. Oh, okay. Yeah. I think that I probably in my younger, our younger married life.

20:03

noticed things a little more, paid attention to it, probably. Took offense. No, I'm talking the other way. I probably looked at some things you did and like what in the world are you doing and probably spoke up about it, you know. More. Now I kinda can laugh about it because there's things I see now that I know that doesn't mean anything to me anymore, you know, that that's a problem. It's not enough for me to.

20:31

you know, speak up, make up, like, why doesn't he do it this way? You know, that type thing. And I would have spoken up about all that. That would have been so important to me and my younger because I thought I knew how to do everything, you know. So, so. Yeah. I think when you're younger, it's easier to get irritated. By smaller things. With smaller things. Smaller things. I think so. And, you know, have big blowouts. Yeah. And then, you know, then you finally gotta make up. But, but we always made up.

20:59

That part was always good. Yeah, it was good. Yeah. And so I know you're doing a talk about the home tomorrow. Yeah. Definitely have a couple of questions concerning the home. OK. And we're so like children, and so thinking through cohesion, and even just counsel.

21:23

And so how should and shouldn't young couples think about delaying to have children? Does it become sin at some point? Yeah. Yeah, that is probably a pretty hard thing to say for anyone else. I'm going to say if you're.

21:43

Consider your motives if it's we need to mature a little bit more. It's pretty legitimate motive and and maybe maybe you need to mature a bit more, but You're never going to be quite mature enough when you have kids or

22:00

We really need more money. We can't afford to have children. And I still remember my dad was an ultimate pragmatist. You know, he went through World War II and all that, Great Depression, World War II. So when Karen was pregnant with our first child, Kelly, um,

22:20

He, you know, I called and told them, he said, well, can you afford it? And I was so stinking mad when he said that. I said, yes, sir, we can. And I worked my rear off. I mean, I worked my rear off just getting ready and being able to take care of things. And the thing about it, you can have this estimation. We gotta have X amount of dollars around. It's not gonna be enough. I'm telling you.

22:50

So what do you do? You trust the Lord, and you press on, and you enjoy the kids. So I would say don't let your mind put you on a guilt trip about when you're going to have kids, or how many kids you've got to have. That's no one else's business but yours. But

23:12

If you're struggling in some areas, seek some counsel from some older married couples that can speak in your life on it. You want to check your motives out. Are you not having kids because you've got all this stuff you want to do and kids would be a bother? Well, I would rethink that because you're not looking at the enormous joy.

23:39

And boy, I've seen it so many times, as a pastor going to the hospital, and I see those first time moms and dads, and they're just beaming. And the lady's just gone through the very pits delivering that kid, and she's beaming. And the husband has been up for 36 hours, and he's beaming. I'm going.

24:02

There's nothing like that. Money doesn't mean anything. Going places doesn't mean anything. Doing stuff doesn't mean anything. That means a lot. You can speak to that a lot better than me. We had our first. When you were in seminary, I was working at the time, and I'd planned on putting her.

24:21

in the seminary daycare. And she would not sleep at all. It was not an essential option. I had to be up at like 4.30 or something to go to my... I was a dietician at a hospital in New Orleans when he was a student at the seminary and also worked part-time at night at a trucking line.

24:44

And Kelly would not sleep. And it turned out to be the best thing, though, because I had not been asleep. It was like 3 o'clock in the morning when I was supposed to report back to work. She was six weeks or whatever. And I was like, I just fell apart. I said, I cannot go to work in the morning.

25:04

I hadn't been asleep all night with her. And so Phil went in that morning and resigned for me. And it was the best thing. I got to stay home with her. Yeah, we lived on beans and we didn't have anything, but we didn't care. We had enough to get by with. And we just didn't care. It was a step of faith because I ended up literally, the weekend resign for her,

25:34

truck line and I was getting paid twice as much and a church invited me to come and preach and three or four weeks later they called me as pastor. Now it's getting paid $115 a week. So, you know, but when I was full time they paid me $120 a week. Praise God. It is true. So, but the Lord provided, so you learn to do without to have something better.

26:00

Those were wonderful days though. Having babies, having children, raising children. Wonderful days, so highly recommend it if the Lord allows that to be so in your life. It was probably not until our fourth kid that we could afford him. Afford any kid. So on our fourth one. First three are still living. Yeah, on our fourth one, we could afford her. Fourth and fifth ones. He's still living the truth pretty much. Yeah.

26:30

And so Phil, one of the things you talked about in your intro is to avoid it against coasting in your marriage. And so speak to that. So practically speaking, how did the Newtons guard against coasting in your marriage?

26:50

I think we were intentional and we're still intentional. I mean, we're still. What did that look like? So what was some of that intentionality look like? Enjoying each other, being romantic with each other. I bring her into my life, she brings me into her life. And so if I'm...

27:17

stuff I'm reading, whether it's theology or it's World War II, two areas of interest or where there's a history book. I bring her in and I'll talk about stuff. She's reading something, a book or an article, she said you've got to read this. And so we interact on stuff like that. So.

27:39

We really share our lives together. That's where we would know something was wrong if we were not sharing our lives together. But we've been doing that for years. And so it's a natural rhythm, and everybody would probably have their own little rhythms, your own little things that you do that help you.

28:00

really feel that cohesion in marriage where you're pushing forward. For us, it's, I mean, we have our devotion time in the evening and... Devotion time together in the evening? Yeah, yeah. We have our separate private devotions. That's very, very critical. And Karen's been great about...

28:22

me because I'll take a pretty long time on it generally and and she's been great about just turning me loose on that but then then we'll do we'll do our own so right now we're reading through a devotion from Richard Sibbs who's to Puritan and we're doing Puritan prayers the Valley of Vision

28:46

Probably in January we're gonna use the new devotion that Paul Tripp has done called Everyday Gospel. Everyday Gospel 365 Days. Don't tell my kids. We've got that book for them for Christmas. So, all right. Oh wow, that's an amazing Christmas gift. He's ahead of it. Yeah, I'm ahead, it came in today. I'm gonna blast it. So, yeah, you're gonna blast it. I'm telling you. Don't tell all your kids. Yeah, you can add to that on how we're.

29:12

Preson on not coasting. Well, you know, I'm thinking about it. Most of this is done that we, that's important in my eyes is free. It's not, it doesn't take money really. It's really communication, being thoughtful, being considerate, kind. I mean, you know, I remember in, been in pretty good while ago, but I was in Bible study and older late, older than me, she,

29:42

in the Bible study, we were talking about marriage, and she made this statement, or she asked a question actually. She said, do you treat your husband as well as you treat your friends? And I was pretty young. And that really, I'm telling you about it because I've never forgotten about it. Because I thought, you know, sometimes I don't. I think I might say things or do things that I wouldn't.

30:12

do that with a friend. And so that's stayed with me all these years. And it's just those basic things of being kind, thoughtful, helpful.

30:29

the things we've talked about. Instead of overlooking those and thinking it's got to be something big and fancy or, you know, something. It's not. It's those small things and you do it day in, day out and it develops and, you know, your relationship is just.

30:48

built on those things. Yeah, you're acting like a Christian at home. And that'd be the simple way of putting it. And that doesn't get old. But you're a romantic Christian. So it's not just act like a Christian, you're doing the one another's with each other. But you're romantic with each other. And that doesn't get old. You can't do too much of those things. And they're pretty much free. Can't do too much of being a romantic Christian to your spouse.

31:18

Yeah, that's right. I'll take that home. And so seeing that a lot of us.

31:26

are a lot of families, a lot of marriages are young. You know, you asked how many people have been married for over 10 years and only the Sarvars raised their hands. You know, and then, yeah. And in God's providence, some of us, by God's grace, had really good examples of husbands leading their wives spiritually, husbands leading their, I mean, fathers leading their families spiritually. And so in God's providence, some of us had good examples of that. Others of us have entered into marriage

31:55

not having an example at all of what that can look like. And so, will you guys give us some, you know, a simple way that a husband and wife can raise the spiritual temperature in their home where they are talking about or doing some things that will encourage one another in Christ deliberately.

32:21

And have effect on the children. And have an effect on the children, absolutely. Obviously we would love for these things to be happening in the marriage before children come. Seeing that pattern, that rhythm, that workout will continue while, you know, say when you have children. At the same time that may not be the case and maybe some who have children who aren't doing these things and so can you give us some wisdom on how to raise the spiritual temperature in our home where we're talking about the things that the Lord

32:51

Well, what do you talk about around the table? What kind of conversations? What do you talk about? Are you always focused on having to entertain your children? Or do you have times to sit down and talk and try to interact? Or you talk to your kids about things that are happening.

33:19

My friend Billy Dalton, who's pastor at First Baptist, Cedar Key, they got hit by the hurricane last night. If I were in his shoes, and I'm sure Billy's has already been doing this, I would talk to my kids about the providence of God. I would sit them down and say, okay, you look around and Pastor Tom's house has been destroyed and this member's house is destroyed and the whole town is.

33:48

totally destroyed and we won't be able to go even go down there for a long time because of everything But God is faithful I mean you have something like that or you go you go through in illness or Or there was a death in the family. I think a death in the family Take your kids to funerals Take your kids to walk up and see a body in the casket

34:14

Do not hide that from them. Read Matt McCullough's book, Remember Death, because he wrote it for guys your age, especially, because we've sanitized death out of our lives instead of saying, this is a great way to teach. I remember having lots of good conversations with my kids when Karen's mom died, and then my dad and her dad died, and then relatives died and all that.

34:43

use those opportunities because that's, you can raise the temperature because your kids can be saying, how are mom and dad dealing with this?

34:54

in the way they're dealing with this. And you're able to testify. Just, we would have people in the home, you know, being a pastor, we had God speaking. So, you know, I had Joel Beeke in the home, and Zane Pratt, and you know, different ones that were, that were there, my kids got to know them, and we had conversations around the table, and the kids are around the table. So they're sitting there, and they're listening to this theological talk, or missiological conversation, or pastoral conversation.

35:24

those kind of things have impact. Anything else you want to add to that Karen? We've got about three minutes. Anything you're going to add? Well, Phil has always been very consistent about his devotional time in the morning. I mean like...

35:45

sometimes annoyingly so. No, I don't mean that totally, but when I was younger, I meant it a little bit here and there. But, you know, and I think that raised the temperature. Seeing him consistently, that was important. It certainly affected me, and I think, you know, our kids saw it, and there was just, they knew what was going on, and that that was important. And I think that was a very...

36:12

a huge thing for me to see that and our children to see.

36:22

Praise God. Did that say something? Well, it's kind of fun if I'm up early, having an devotion time, and one of the kids gets up early, and they come in, what are you doing, Dad? I'm saying, I'm having my devotion time. Come up here and sit with me, and I'm holding him and reading the word. Come on. And, you know, that sticks in their little minds. Yeah.

36:45

It's like a tangible way of reflecting Jesus as he talked about, let the children come to me. Like you letting your child be with you as you're reading the word. Yeah. Man, praise God. Thank you guys so much. Let's give it up for Phyllis and Karen Newton.

37:01

Literally had a number of other questions could have asked and so obviously couldn't get to them all. Again, if you submitted a question and your question didn't get asked, feel free to approach to Newton's. There are some questions concerning parenting. And we're gonna do a Q&A tomorrow. And we are doing a Q&A. Well, there are some questions concerning parenting. Okay. Battery died. There are some questions concerning parenting that I didn't ask, but it's okay, I'm gonna project. Yeah, I'm gonna hear it. Yeah, I definitely planned to ask during that time.

37:32

It'll be more.